Zombies versus Vampires

Yeah, you read that right chump…battle royale featuring Zombies versus Vampires.

Here’s the scoop.  This week, Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV is doing a supernatural throwdown featuring my favorite ZOMBIES!  They are going to pit the horror show of the walking dead vs. glittery blood sucking metrosexuals and see who comes out victorious.

I’m not going to spoil it. Go watch the preview and the show when it airs and make up your own mind.  For me, why I’ll do my own toe to toe line up RIGHT HERE!

In the BLUE corner:  ZOMBIES

Braiiins on sale?

Pick your canon carefully, it could be the difference between life and death fang-face.  For entertainment purposes, we’ll assume Romero zombies.  Why?  Because I like them better, that’s why.

WEAKNESSES:

Slow, low dexterity/agility, not too bright, inability to use weapons, tools or even doorknobs for that matter.

STRENGTHS:

Ability to swarm in numbers, feels no pain, can function with massive bodily damage, doesn’t sleep or fatigue.  They can’t be bargained with. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. Wait…that sounds familiar.  Is that from a movie? No.  Couldn’t be.

And in the RED corner:  VAMPIRES

Vampire Dude

The canon on vampires is almost as wide as zombies, but we have to pick something.  We’re not doing freakin’ glittery vampires. You can stow that noise right now.  We’ll stick with mostly traditional vampires ala Blade/Le stat/Lost Boys.

WEAKNESSES:

Must feed on blood regularly, affected by garlic, silver, holy water/symbols (meh, sometimes), can’t go out in the sunlight, less than desirable personalities.

STRENGTHS:

Super human strength, super human speed, super human agility, healing factor, immune to disease, can’t be killed by traditional weapons (bullets, swords, cholesterol, etc.)

ARENA:  To give each corner a fighting chance to use their strengths, we’ll pit 1000 zombies vs 1 vampire in a large closed arena immediately after sundown. Each team has 24 hours of prep time to study tactics and prepare for battle. Battle lasts until sunrise, winner takes all.

WINNER:  NO ONE

That’s right.  You heard me.  It would be a draw.  Vampires can’t feed on zombies because they have no live blood and therefore they are not a food source.  Zombies would ignore vampires because they are already dead and can’t be infected and/or turned.  The most likely scenario is that they would ignore each other as fellow members of the undead.  Why would a vampire bother getting dirty dispatching 1000 walking putrid sacks of goo when he/she can have a seat in a comfortable chair and wait for the match to be over?

However…

Vampires are not well known for their easy going natures and ability to let things slide.  So if forced into an arena with 1000 hungry zombies, there’s a good chance your average vamp would wipe out the zombies just for sport.  And despite what the Deadliest Warriors clip shows, Vamps are perfectly capable of using swords, machetes, pistols, shotguns, pointy sticks, harsh language, etc.  There would be no real reason for a vampire to get up close and personal unless it was purely for giggles.  But giggles are nice even for blood sucking freaks.  So…since they can’t be infected, Vampires are free for more involved close combat, without that mortal fear of being bitten or scratched by a zombie.

Disagree with me?  Too bad, I’m right.

Don’t forget to tune in to Spike TV on Sept. 14th to see the results!

Post your guess of the “experts” in the comments section.

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